Today was horrible. I went in for my double block of admin and we were on the computers for basically the whole time and the brightness really messed with my head and I couldn’t do like any of the stuff cause I hadn’t been in when they were shown how to/I couldn’t remember and yea considers my exam is probably longer than that I hve no idea how I’m going to manage. Exams in general are stressing me out so bad because when I’m revising it makes me realise how much I’ve missed and meh. I just can’t do it all… It’s impossible for me to have the energy after school to be able to do any revision but then I end up being like “oh no! Not yet, I really need to start! Haha!” when people ask cause it’s more normal to just not have done any cause you cba than not being able to cause you’re so physically and mentally exhusted after two hours in school that all you can do is lie on the sofa and watch tv? Idk….
My hairs started falling out really bad again and my hairs hurting a lot these days :/
I was at the hospital on Monday and they weighed me and I’ve put on like half a stone in a year… I’m getting so fat. I hate it but there’s nothing I can do cause obviously I can’t exercise and if I eat less I feel faint and have even less energy than usual. Hate it. But yes the doctor t the hospital was jut like ‘how are you?’ ‘that’s good you’ve made some improvement’ ‘okay well see you in 6 months’ it’s such a waste of time going. Shes still saying 90% of cases get better within two years though so we shall see….
i found this in one of my note books, just going to put it here..
Tuesday 8 February 2011
so today i went to school for fourth block but as uasual instead of going to class with everyone I went and did my admin project in SFL. I’m glad that I’m doing that but at the same time it just makes me even less ‘normal’. I guess i kinda want to go to class so I can see people, not my friends so much but just people who I’m kinda friendly with but not so much that they’d come to see me..
Anyway after my block in SFL (which wasn’t very productive, my brain just wouldn’t work today, even less than usual!) it was lunch time and I like lunch cause I get to see people and everything but its so noisy and I feel almost like I’m in my own little bubble where I just hear everyone shouting but I don’t actually know what they’re saying unless I really concentrate. which is hard and takes almost as much effort as actual school work also I feel really self conscious of that fact that everyone’s there eating their lunch and I’m barely eating anything. Believe me I would love to be eating loads but I’m not that hungry and I know if i do eat loads it’s only going to make me feel sick later on.
So we went back to schoil yesterday, it wasn’t too bad I guess? And I’m going to start getting extra help with English in my free 4th block on Monday’s with one of the SFL teachers, mr keady (I’m not sure if I spelt that right?), so hopefully that will be helpful.
Last block yesterday was awful. I had English and we were to write an essay on the Play ‘the crucible’ (which the had done in class but as I had missed a lot of it the teacher said I should just forget about it and concentrate on the other book and the poem) and really I should have gone upto the teacher and reminded her that she ha told me not to bother reading it but it was silent in the class and everyone was working away and the thought of having to draw attention to myself was getting me all worked up so I just sat there and wrote a story about a cat called bob who chased birds. The sort of thing a five year old would be proud of.
Today was better I guess? At least compaired to yesterday. I really like my maths class and my maths teacher. And then I went to English study club after school which was useful I guess but the teacher spoke so fast I couldn’t keep up and write notes down since I have to write things down so I can look over them since my memory is so bad these days and I was so tired because effectively three classes in a row is really hard work and I had gone up and down the stairs three times and it wax really hard work so :/
And now my legs are agony and my brain hurts and my arms feel like lead and I want to sleep but these prelims are stressing me out and gah.
CFS can go jump off a cliff. I’m fucking sick of all the nonsense health issues that have spiraled out of control as a result of all of this.
I hate feeling like my pain and discomfort are invalidated
I hate feeling like a granny at the age of 17. I hate feeling like I’m missing out on “the…
I will start writing here more often I promise!
Anyway whats happened since I last posted?
I mentioned I was feeling really ill again? Well mum took me to the doctors because I hadn’t been to school in over 10 days so she thought I might have some bug but the doctor (who was really lovely actually and did properly check me over rather than just going ‘it’s your cfs get on with it) couldn’t find anything particular wrong with me, he just said I had picked up some random virus. He did do blood tests and a throat swob (sp?) though just to make sure that there wasn’t anything specific or that they could treat. The blood tests just showed that my White blood cell count was up (I think that’s right?) which means my body was fighting something…
Anyway I did get over that illness thankfully and it wasn’t as bad as expected as the doctor said it would be into January before I picked up again but it wasn’t so that’s good!
Um not much else happened then until the 21st of December when it was the Christmas dance. I was dreading it because I feel really ugly and I knew everyone else would be looking beautiful, I was scared I would be too tired to join in, that I wouldn’t be able to remember the dances since I hadn’t done social dancing etc etc but when it came to it I was really excited! And at the dance I managed to do about half of the Scottish dances so I was pretty pleased with that :) I did think I was going to pass out a few times at the end of some dances from complete exhaustion but that’s like the first exercise I’ve done in agesso? But yea all in it was a good night! (I’ll post a picture after!) and then after was the after party which I wasn’t going to bother getting a ticket for because I didn’t think I woul be able to go but I’m so glad I did because when I got home from the dance I was buzzing! And really excited to be doing something ‘normal’ most people were drinking but mum had said not to because of the pills I had been taking and tbh I wasn’t tht bothered, I can have a pretty good time without drink! But yea the after party was really good and I managed to stay till the end!! (just after 1am!) and then by the time I got home and into bed it was like 2am! That’s the latest I’ve been up in ages! So yea the night of the dance/after party wa really good and I felt normal!! :D
The day after the dance I felt completely awful, which I wa expecting, but it’s still one of the worst things ever to not be able to move from your bed and my legs were completely useless: sore and weak. So when I did have to go to the bathroom I had to crawl/shuffle like a baby :( I think I was only awake for about two hours that whole day…
But the Friday I was a little better in that I managed to get out of my bed even if it was only to lie on the sofa watching tv but still better than nothing? And much to my surprise and delight by Saturday, Christmas eve, I actually managed to honour of the house and meet some friends at Starbucks! Granted I felt like I wa in my own bubble and a bit dizzy etc but still it’s good?
Christmas Day was also a lot better than expected I got up just before 10 (all credit to my brother for not waking me up really early) so I wasn’t feeling too too bad! And I opened my presents - a laptop was my main one! I was so shocked! I wasn’t expecting it at all! And then we just chilled in the house till about two when we went up to my grannys to see her and my cousin stroma and Gordy and Lesley and to exchange presents with them and then we came back home about four sonincould have a sleep so we didn’t have our dinne till about 6? But I think mum and that were okay with it and then we all sat down and watched a DVD all in all it was a lovely day!
Boxing day we went down to ardersier in the evening and exchanged gifts with dads family which was also lovely!
The rest of that week was spent doing not much.
On Hogmanay my friend Sarahs family were having a party from 8-late so we all went there it was so lovely as all my friends were there and we had such a good time. It was an amazing start to 2012! I love the Hays parties. Everyone that goes to them seems to get on so well with everyone else and it’s just a lovely atmosphere!
I was expecting to have to go home about 1am but at 1 ibwas partying away! As they have a big downstairs living room that had disconlights and music playing and were were dancing away! It was so good and I actually could have kidded myself I wasnt ill!
However by 2 i was starting to fade fast and could feel myself getting my words muddled up and everythig going foggy so me and mum came home about 2.45! Still super super late!
The first was spent dying. I have honestly not felt that bad before. I was feeling so ill and rubbish that I was starting to wish I hadn’t gone out the night before… But like after the dance by the second day I started to pick up a bit and even managed to go to ardersier for a bit in the evening! So I’m getting better?
And now we’ve caught uoto date pretty much! Prelims are soon though and I’m terrified of failing but revising is so hard at the same time.. Schools just so hard. I’ve really enjoyed these holidays and having a break but school starts again on Monday…
However I really do feel I’m getting better. I’ve definately turned a corner and I really really hope tht I keep getting better and don’t relapse :/
Love to anyone who reads this an I hope you’re doing as good as you can xxxx
I’ve not posted on here in ages, hmmm…
Last week was spent sleeping basically all day everyday. It was like when I was first ill all over again. Everything was sore and I was so so tired that I didn’t move from my bed apart from to go to the bathroom. :( and then yesterday I went out and today I spent most of the day sleeping/lying watching tv it’s like I’m paying for every little thing. Just like before…
I also seem to have lost all interest in the like outside world? I’m not bothered about not seeing my friends. Infact I’d much rather stay at home or just go to my grannys than go and see them and I don’t know why.. I’ve even stopped checking facebook and Twitter to see what people have been upto :/ idk i wish I didn’t feel like this but I do… And I really love those guys so it’s not like I want to forget them or lose them or whatever?
I’ve also spent the past couple of weeks crying at the least little thing and it’s sucks cause I have no idea why I’m crying like spilling my juice earlier set me off? What’s wrong with me?
Meh.
I’ve been in a shit mood since yesterday.
I cried myself to sleep last night and thought that I woul wake up feeling better. Didn’t happen. Went to school and pretended I was fine and then we got a past paper to do in English and it was so hard and I was so tired by this point I almost started crying in the class but I manged not to. Went to the concert at lunch (thank god it ment I didn’t have to make conversation with people) came out of that sat for a wee while was going home when I remembered to ask sarah about tomorrow night because we were planning getting our little crew of six round for pizza and food to find out amy had ‘not heard us planning it’ and had invited everyone round to hers. Maybe she didn’t hear us but (ohmygod I sound such a bitch) it’s like she always has to plan everything an she also always invites everyone which is ok every so often but it means we don’t get a proper chat? an also when everyones going to be there I have like a panic attack about going usually? Idk. And now I’ve just been in a shit mood and on the verge of crying all so I gave uo trying to pretend I was fine like an hour ago and am hiding in my bed crying.
I think everythings got on top of me again like school stuff and idk (sounds so horible) I feel alone like no one bothers with me any more. They never tell me stuff like there was a prefect meeting the other day when I was first ill someone would have told me but I only foun out about it cause I happened to be Reading the notices as I walked past.. Idk stupid little things like that. Or the fct that all everyones talking about is the after party or gigs that they’re going to that I’d love to go to but can’t I don’t even know it’s stupid an makes me a horrible person and I hate myself for it because I honetly love those guys so much but I just feel shit most of the time these days and I cant do it.
Accoring to mum I ‘am getting better!’ though. I don’t feel it or see it but whatever.
